I've realised I keep this journal only because it is my main way of communication with you, did you know that? Somewhere inside me, I think I'm scared that if I delete it, everything will be over for good. I guess it's like my only shred of hope to ever talk to you again. I mean, if it's anything like two years ago, you probably don't remember the password to your email or you don't even have a computer. But you know this journal, because you came up with the name and I doubt you would forget it. So here I am. Still.

I want to talk to you so badly. I so desperately want to hear your voice again. But will it ever happen?

There's no words to describe how I feel whenever I think about you. It's like there's a part of me missing, there's a hole somewhere inside me that nothing will fill but you. And it hurts. So much sometimes. It hurts when I think about what I have lost. Like I've lost my brother, my partner in crime, my best friend, an amazing part of who I was. It's not easy to lose the person you told all your secrets to, the one person who knew you better than most. Because you did know me better than anyone. You were the only one I could talk to about anything without feeling silly. And I don't have that anymore.

I wonder how you are, what you're doing. Are you happy? Are you lonely? Have you found what you were looking for? How's Jack? Has he grown up? Do you miss me at all? Because I miss you so much right now.

Do you know that I've finally completed school? That's it, I'm done, I'm a daycare teacher, finally. I should be so happy, but the truth is I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be responsible for a whole group of kids and it scares the hell out of me. That's why I've decided to take a few months off after school to get myself together and enjoy life, as simply as it gets. No work drama for me until september. I can be lazy and do nothing all day if I want to, which is good. Except it would be better if I had you to talk to.

I turn 26 in two months, and I'm beginning to feel old. Who would have thought? I always felt young, but whenever I think about that number, 26, I get the feeling that I'm getting old. I can't help it. I also feel that the older I get, the further away our friendship fades. And I'm holding on to it as hard as I can.

I still live at my parent's, I guess that won't change until I get a real job which is not until september. I wish I had a place of my own already but you don't always get what you want when you want it. I know eventually I'll move out but right now I just don't feel like doing anything. My sister is almost done with school too and should have a job in september as well. Her boyfriend has been living with us for a year now I think and they want to move out soon. Romeo and Juliet are still both doing good, Romeo is as fat as ever and I'm sure if you saw him you would find endless jokes about him to tell me.

I have cut my hair shorter, it suits me better I think. It's still shoulder lenght because I couldn't deal with anything shorter than that. Apart from that, I haven't changed much. I'm trying to grow my nails which is harder than I thought but my efforts are finally paying.

I'm happy I guess, just afraid of entering the big old world of work and in general being a responsible adult. I think I don't really want to grow up. But everyone has to at some point, right?

So that's it, another sad and self-pitying entry. I guess I'm still not ready to let go. I'm still hoping someday I'll wake up and find a comment from you around here, still hoping that you remember me, that you think about me too. That we meant something to you. So if you do, please just tell me you're ok, one way or another. Because I'm still here, waiting..


You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you
You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me, I will wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left 'em, I'll be here for you.

Oh, and I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you...come back to me

Happy birthday fudder, hope you're doing good wherever you are, whatever you're doing.

Thinking of you

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Here I go again, same story, same place. Crying, then laughing, crying, laughing then crying again. I should avoid these moments alone and these songs that remind me of you. Because then I read old logs that aren't good for my nostalgia filled brain.


17.06.2008 18:31:59 Zac you shouldnt be thinking about me that much anyway, i wasnt worth it
How much more wrong could you be?

You never got my point, did you? That no matter what happened, I would and could never forget you. Time passes, things around us change, we grow up, but in my head you and I are still 20 and having fun. I won't lie, it is a strange feeling remembering so many things even after all this time and still smile about it after everything. I don't really grasp the meaning of it, I just embrace it. I think deep inside, I'm scared of losing the moments I had with you so whenever I do think about them, I'm ok with it, even when it hurts. Like I said before, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.

I think I might start to understand why you're not around anymore. Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect some part of it is the truth. I know you desperately wanted to forget the part of your life with Kyle in it, and I'm part of that life. However much I wish I didn't, I do and if you want to move on, you had to leave a lot of things behind, me included. I also suspect you're protecting me from some harm you could do to me and maybe to protect yourself too. I know you were emotionally dependent on people, maybe I was one of them, and maybe the only way to get better was to break off any contact you had left with me.

And you know what? I understand. I want you to be happy, it's all I ever wanted for you. If that's what it takes, I won't ever ask anything of you again. I just hope you are fine wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever you're doing. I hope you laugh that goofy laugh I used to adore and smile your way through life. But you know I won't ever forget you. You know I will be there if you decide to come back. You know I will always love you. You know you're my best friend through and through and that will never change.

You are long gone, so why does your memory lingers on?

You know, I don't think I will ever be able to let go of you entirely. The more I think about it, the more I try to tell myself not to care, the more I know deep inside that I do care, no matter what happens. I can't put into words how it feels, to know that you're out there somewhere, living a life without me in it. I can't tell you how much it hurts sometimes to think that you and I had such a strong bond but that in the end, it didn't last, it broke. I used to think we were different, that we could overcome whatever came in the way of our friendship, but as it happens, I was wrong.

You might tell me I should have seen it coming after last year, but still as history repeats itself, I'm not ready to forget yet. Will I ever be able to? That's the million dollars question I guess.

You once told me that the only stable thing you had in your life was me being your best friend. Well look, how funny is it that I'm still here waiting for you to turn to me when you're hurt, when you need advice, when you need an ear to listen or a friend to joke with? Seriously. How funny is this? I'm ready to bet you don't need me for this anymore, that you don't need me at all. I guess I just want to believe I'd still be around if you did. I want to believe we could still be friends if you cared enough.

This month it's been seven years. Seven years that we've known each other. Seven years since we first talked. It's such a long time but somehow it seems we've known each other way longer than that. Today I found myself thinking about you a bit longer than usual so I decided to come and check your journal, just to read it and have a laugh remembering how I used to tell you to update it, how I would spam it one comment at a time, how I would always wonder if one of those song you posted were about me. Sometimes when I'm sad about you, I wonder if in another lifetime we would have been together, I mean physically together. Would we have watched TV shows on your bed, eating popcorn and drinking beers? Would we have been walking Jack together at night when you couldn't be bothered to go and needed the company? Would we have phoned each other just to say we were bored out of our mind on a rainy day? Would we have shared secrets we couldn't tell anyone else, would we have cooked nasty stuff together just to have a laugh? Would we have gone to concerts together, would we have had video games battles for hours straight? Would we have gone out together at night just to criticize every man/woman we'd find attractive? Would you have left me behind the way you did, would you have forgotten me?

You know that no matter the outcome of our lives, you are and will always be my best friend. I might have had and lost you, I still think it's better than not having experienced this kind of friendship/relationship. I was lucky to have you for the time being. I was lucky you called me your best friend and I will always have that. And when I miss you, I should remember that.

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all I am is holding breath
Just pick up, I know you're there
Can't you hear? I'm not myself

I'm getting kind of frustrated of the fact that everytime I feel the need to write here, it's about my long lost best friend. I'll hear a song that triggers a memory, a conversation we had and I'm submerged by a wave of nostalgia. It's kinda sad actually. I always want to be able to talk to him, tell him I miss him, tell him he hurt me, tell him at times our friendship doesn't seem so far away. But it is. It's been a year since I last heard of him and not knowing where he is or if he's even still alive makes my heart ache. It's hard to describe the feelings I get when I think about him, it's hard to accept the fact that he probably means so much to me that these feelings won't ever leave me. I can push them away, I can live them and cry, I can ignore them, but they always come back.

I get mad at myself sometimes because I shouldn't allow myself to think about him. For all I know he doesn't give a damn about me anymore, he might even have forgotten about me, who knows? I want to hate him for disappearing, I want to yell at him and hurt him the way his absence hurts me, but no matter what I want, I can't. I can't because I used to know him, and I know he wouldn't have done anything to hurt me intentionally. But it doesn't mean I'm not mad at him when I think about the fact that he disappeard one day without explanation. What hurts is that he didn't find it important to explain me why, like I wasn't important enough in his life to know.

And I cry, I cry and cry and cry. But what can I do? It's so hard to let go of someone you loved, of someone you still love. Because no matter what, I do, I love him, because in my mind he's still the way I used to know him. I can still picture his smile, hear his laugh in my head or his way of whispering. The memories are so vivid that I think it makes it harder for me to realise it wasn't yesterday we last talked but last year. That he hasn't laughed at something I said in probably two years or that I haven't heard him say my name since god knows when. Everything is still so clear in my mind that I can't accept the fact that it's over and gone. I don't know how to.

I just wish he would tell me otherwise.

Yotteru!!!! Nama niko kudasai :D

Snagged from anotherme_lj. Directions:
1. Put numbers in the boxes instead of x's (example: 1, 2, 3, 4, ...)
2. Repost as "I have lived through ____ of these 158 things."

( I have lived through 92 of these 158 things )

Dear Kelly,

I keep looking at pictures of you, anywhere I find them, I don't know why. Maybe I'm hoping if I look at you long enough you'll come back. Or maybe I'm scared to forget how big your smile always was despite everything that happened in your life. And you were so full of life. I look at you and wonder why and how this could have happened to you. Why people living life as fully as you were get their life taken away in a second while murderers get away with it. It's not fair. It really isn't.

I remember how much you made me laugh every time we talked, with your millions stories and how we used to diss guys. I remember how I talked to you for hours to try to make you feel better about your roommate, and when you asked my advice about what to do with him. I remember how we'd always end up saying Zac was corny somehow. I remember how you said Michelle Branch was a slut when I showed you the pictures of her and her baby ahah. You always had something to say. You were so easy to be friend with. And I wish I could have had more time to know you better. I wish you could have rubbed off a bit of your lively personality on me.

Who is going to be my guide now when I go to Cali this summer? Who's going to show me that beach you loved so much and I found so beautiful too? Who's going to post random pictures of nothing and everything in their journal that I could look at and enjoy? Who will I ever fight over Zac with now?

It's silly but I keep going on aim expecting you to be there, expecting your sn to appear in my friends list. But where are you now KelluhKelluh? Wherever it is, I hope it's somewhere nice. Somewhere like the picture you have in your livejournal profile. Some place where you can look at us all and laugh at how silly we are, a place where you can take as many pictures as you like without ever having to change your memory card, a heaven you'd have created for yourself, with people and things you love around you. I hope you are happy and that your heart, the one you said was broken so many times, finally gets a chance to stay whole forever.

You were a good person, with the biggest heart, and you deserved much more than what you got. And people who never got the chance to know you will never know what they missed. I had that chance and I'm thankful for it, even if I'll never get to tell you. I'll always remember you and how you lived every day like it was the last one, because it's what you did. I'll miss your pictures and your rants and I'll miss you too.

I hope you're well wherever you are. And don't stop smiling.

Meredith says something so true about truth at the end of this week's episode. She says : "Here's the truth about truth: It hurts. So we lie." And She's right. That's what lying to yourself is all about. Unfortunately it doesn't make the truth go away. Mmm..

My birthday's in two months and I already know my present will be a brand new computer! This has got to be the best new since 2006 started. I've had this computer for 4 whole years now and even though it's really good still, there's room for improvement. So I'm going to have one of those shuttle pcs with a new flat screen and a new printer! ( Aren't they just pretty? ) I wish I could have everything tomorrow but since we're also buying a new sound card, graphic card, a DVD RW/CD ROM combo and some more memory, I have to wait. I'm keeping my motherboard since it's only about one year old and my hard drives although I might buy a new one to have more space. I can't wait to have it, especially because there'll be so much more space on this desk. I have so much shit on it, a flat screen will leave more space for books or cds. Or the printer. In any case, MORE SPACE.

As for the price, I don't think it'll be that expensive since everything comes from my dad's friend's shop, he might be able to have a discount. Everyone's paying a part, my parents, grandmothers, aunts/uncles, me included. I was hoping for money on my birthday but this is much cooler. And now that I'm going to earn more money, I can help them pay and save for my trip to the US this summer. I just hope I start working in february so that I have 6 months to gather the money. Aline and I want to go to Jesolo as well, the place we went to last summer with Geri, so I need to see about that too. The main concern right now is booking mine and Geri's flight to NY, which we will do this week end and find hotels in NY and somewhere in california that we can afford. We did it for London, I'm sure we can do it for the US too.

I went to see Aline today, we met in town and I went to get my train ticket for this week end. I almost forgot about it. Geri told me last night that Stereophonics cancelled so it'll only be a Oasis concert, which is a bit disappointing. Anyway, we went to the american shop to buy american food haha I bought apple cinnamon Pop tarts! It better be good for the price I paid. I also bought Jolly Ranchers that are basically fruit flavored candy bars. HARD candy bars. It stuck to my teeth for hours. How annoying. Never buying again. Then we went to the book store because I'm almost running out of things to read so I bought a new book by Jodi Picoult because I really like her writing. She's got good stories too. We came back here around 6:30pm and after dinner we took cam pictures, just because it had been a while since last time. So this was last year.


( This is tonight.. )

I'm going to the States this summer! Geri and I have to book our plane tickets when I go to Lyon at the end of the month but we're going to stay one week and a half in New York before flying to California for another week and a half. This is great news!


Oasis and Stereophonics concert in 10 days!

Slap me in the face, why don't you?

How cool am I, I just broke my toe while going to the bathroom! Everybody, cue to laugh : NOW!


It's twice its size, red/violet and I can't walk wihtout cringing. Doctors doctors, here I come!

I'm proud of myself, I made lasagna for tonight! :)

SD6 blackops: im going to lay down
x Riddle xx: you suck
x Riddle xx: get out of my sight
SD6 blackops: god fine bye
SD6 blackops: YOU SUCK
x Riddle xx: YES I KNOW
SD6 blackops: NO YOU REALLY SUCK
x Riddle xx: YES THATS WHAT I MEANT
SD6 blackops: NO ITS WHAT I MEANT
SD6 blackops: YOU SUCK MORE THAN THE LITERAL SENSE
x Riddle xx: YES I SWALLOW TOO!

I just made myself choke hahaha and no, we don't have anything better to do 0:)

http://www.googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=Laura&word2=Zac

0:)

"Do I have to spell it out for you
or scream it in your face?
Oh, the chemistry between us could destroy this place"

Countdown to Zac's bday : D-4! Shit, already? I better start looking for an e-card already, it takes days to find a good one. My bestfriend is growing up so fast, aw :') In less than a week's time he won't be a kid anymore, he'll be a grown up, an adult. HAHA yeah right, who am I kidding, he'll still be a kid :P That's ok, it's the way I like him the most..

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Luc and although we didn't do anything more than sit in the grass and have random laughs, it was better than mopping around the house not knowing what to do. I saw Aline everyday this week so I didn't want to call her yesterday. So I kept him company while he was working on explaining to people what Swissaid was and tried to have as many people sign up as possible. This guy's got the biggest crush on me, it's funny because he's only 19 and he doesn't even live in Geneva. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how I should dump Julien for him, not to mention the random hugs he asked each time he failed to make someone sign up. No way in hell was I gonna hug him! He even asked me to marry him. It went something like this :

Luc : "Marry me?"
Laura : "Fuck off you idiot"
Luc : "What?"
Laura : "Stop talking shit"
Luc : "I'm not! Fuck sake can't a man say anything these days?"
Laura : "(eyebrow raised) You? A man? Not quite!"
Luc : "Hmph (storms off to work)"

haha Ilike this guy, he's funny. Although he's definitely no boyfriend material. He's cute and funny and sometimes smart but there's something..unsteady with him. He definitely lacks stability. He's a good friend though so yesterday was fun. And today I finally bought shelves for my dvds/books and other various useless objects and a new lamp. It's not much but it changes my room :







Now the thing I should do is clean up my room and it will look even better. The only thing I need now is a new desk chair because the one I have is broken. My mom wanted to buy it today but I made her spend enough money with the shelves and the lamp, my parents are as broke as me so it can wait. Aline owes me money so hopefully it won't be long til I get a comfy chair.

Ok I'm off now

Spot on Laura *pats self on the back*

On another note I really should stop spending money now that I no longer have a job but I have an excuse : SALES.

- Coldplay ticket : $40
- Tickets for the Return to the Future night at the movies for Julien and I : $30
- 2 DVDs + 2 books : $60
- Disneyland trip : $100
+ more concerts coming up.

Woops.